Song: “I, Gandalf”
Gandalf:
I, Gandalf,
A Wizard old and wise,
Bid the darkling spirits
change this sign before my eyes.
(Sign changes)
“Burglar wants work. No reasonable offer refused.” Yes, that's more like it. Everything is ready for Thorin Oakenshield and his band of Dwarves.
I, Gandalf,
Best wizard that you'll see,
Bid the darkling spirits
Send the band of dwarves to me.
(Distant sound of Dwarves' marching Music.)
I hear their marching song! Seven seconds!
(Dwarves enter marching down the aisle)
Song: “Thirteen Mighty Dwarves”
Dwarves:
Thirteen mighty dwarves
Straight and strong and true
Marching, marching on
With just one goal in view--
To slay the dragon,
The awful dragon, Smaug!
Thorin: He took our home and burned and looted
Others: Now he must be executed.
All: Thirteen mighty dwarves
Brawny, brave and bold
Vowing we'll regain
Our ancestors' gold.
And slay the dragon
The awful dragon, Smaug.
He's sleeping by our silver fountain
In our cave beneath our mountain.
Thorin: My grandfather was the king there,
Then Smaug came, stole everything there.
All: We'll attack, be daring, reckless
To get back each em'rald necklace,
Coins of gold and crystal flagon.
Thirteen mighty dwarves
Will slay the dragon!
Gandalf: Perhaps you don't understand what an opportunity this is.
Song: Adventure
You've a reputation hereabouts
For respectability---
You read, you write, you garden and you cook.
You have kept you guilty secret well
But I know your family tree
And Bilbo boy, your mother was a Took.
Bilbo: Not all the Tooks were adventurous.
Thorin: Don't worry—you'll get your fourteenth share of the treasure.
Gandalf: (Sings) You've a reputation hereabouts
For just sitting by your fire--
You contemplate, you're calm, you never shout.
But a wizard knows inside you there
Is a hidden mad desire
Each generations restless blood will out.
Bilbo: My blood is not restless.
Thorin: Let us begone. We want no cowards with us!
Gandalf: (affably) You must have misunderstood my offer.
(Sings) I offer you Adventure,
A chance to really get away and travel
That's very broadening, they say break out,
Leave your house, live life are you a hobbit
Or a mouse adventure, and though perhaps
It's indiscreet it's thrilling just think who you
May get to meet! Goblins hateful trolls elves,
Too, and other fascinating Souls. 4
You've spent your entire life in this small cave –
Now, just once before you're ready for your grave
Roar like a bull, live life to the full, give into the pull of Adventure!
Song: No, Thank you
Bilbo and Hobbits:
No, thank you a lot,
I like what I've got,
A quiet life for me.
I'm as timid as a rabbit
And domesticity is a hobbit habit.
No, thank you just loads,
I won't walk those roads,
Too late to change my plan
And start as a beginner--
I've heard Adventure can
Make you late for dinner.
No, thank you, no trips,
No ponies, no ships,
Goodbye now, dear old chap.
Must fly now it's time to take my nap.
Song: Thirteen Mighty Dwarves Reprise
Dwarves: Thirteen Mighty dwarves
We'll climb mountains steep,
We'll ford rivers wild
Bilbo: If they're not too deep.
Dwarves: To slay the dragon
The awful dragon Smaug!
Don't stop till peaceful dwarves are slackers.
Bilbo: Stop at noon for milk and crackers. (apologetically spoken) An army travels on its stomach.
All: Thirteen Mighty dwarves
Fearlessly we shout:
Smell his breath of fire,
Put his fire out and
Slay the dragon the awful
Dragon Smaug.
He's very big and jewel-encrusted
And we know he can't be trusted
Legs like trees and wings much greater--
Bilbo: You go on I'll meet you later.
Dwarves: No! He's evil and we hate him!
And we must decapitate him!
Storm the dragon's lair and rob it---
Thirteen mighty dwarves
Song: “Tale of Two Frogs”
Bilbo: There's a tale of two frogs
In a butter churn.
From the tale of two frogs
There's a lot to learn.
They were caught in a fix
Made the one just stop,
But the other fought on---
He came out on top.
Chorus: You mustn't give up you gotta go on!
Things are always darkest before the dawn.
Bilbo: There were two little frogs,
In a churn they leapt.
It was cozy and dark,
Very soon, they slept.
Then a shower of cream
Came a -tumblin' down
And the two little frogs,
They were like to drown.
Well, the little frogs jumped,
Then they slid and rolled
On the slippery sides,
Couldn't get a hold.
One had faith and kept on
Fighting for each breath.
T'other quit and he sank
To a milky death.
When they opened the churn
Everyone recalls
That a frog sat on top
Eating butter balls
But he jumped and escaped
In a giant hop
So remember, fight on
You'll come out on top!
Fili: I must admit I feel better. (stretches and yawns)
Thorin: We'll rest a while and start before dawn.
Chorus: You mustn't give up,
You gotta go on--
Things are always darkest
Before the dawn.
Song: "Eating"
Life for a troll
Has one beautiful goal
And whenever two trolls have a meeting
They don't "how ja do?"
And the don't ask "What's new?"
They talk they pursue...'s about eating,
Eating, Eating,
Heaven on earth to be eating.
Please let me tell you my best recipe--
It's goblin en croute that I serve at high tea.
If folks should drop in they will find on my self
Tins of sweet pickled fairy and aspic of elf!
Life is okay
On just one meal a day
But you must keep on eating it steady.
When breakfast is done
You can nibble a bun
Till the cook says that lun....cheon is ready.
Eating, Eating,
What is life worth without eating?
(Bilbo and Balin enter cautiously hiding behind rocks)
Bilbo: (whisper) Trolls!
Balin: Food!
Trolls: Life can be tops
When you're licking your chops
And you're chomping your way through a menu.
Bad manners are cursed,
So remember, "me, first!"
When I'm filled till I'm burst....ing, why, then, you!
Eating, eating.
Build up your girth, while you're eating.
Balin:(spoken) You've got to steal some of that food!
Bilbo: Me?
Balin: You're the burglar. (Bilbo creeps near)
Trolls: Elegant food for a midnight buffet,
Fresh hobbit ground up into Hobbit pate`.
For a party dessert that is simply a gem
Just marinate dwarves and make shortcake of them.
So what care I if tomorrow I die,
Turned to a stone by a sunbeam,
Life's fleeting.
That's how the roast cuts,
Life's been perfect, no buts,
From the soup to the nuts... I've kept eating.
Eating, Eating,
Ever since birth, it's been heaven on earth
And what's made it worth it?
Eating!!
Song: “Thirteen Mighty Dwarves”
Dwarves:
Thirteen mighty dwarves
Straight and strong and true
Marching, marching on
With just one goal in view--
To slay the dragon,
The awful dragon, Smaug!
Goblins: (Sing Mockingly)
Thirteen mighty dwarves
Straight and strong and true
Marching, marching on
With just one goal in view
To slay the dragon
The awful dragon Smaug!
Song: Riddle Me This
Gollum:
Fiddle, Diddle,
Gollum, Hisss.
Riddle, Riddle, Riddle me thisssss.
What has roots as no one sees,
Taller, taller, far than trees?
Up and up and up it goes,
Yet the answer never grows.
Bilbo: Mountains, of course.
Gollum: It thinks it's smart, doesn't it? Try ussss.
Bilbo:
Live but never takes a breath,
Live but feels as cold as death,
Never thirsty, ever drinking,
All in mail and never clinking.
Gollum: Eassy...to easssy... Fish. We eat fish all the time. P'raps we should stop the game and eat it, my precious? Or should we guess again?
Can't be seen and can't be felt
Can't be heard and can't be smelt
in back of stars and under hills
every empty hole it fills.
Bilbo: Dark!
Thirty horses, white as snow,
In a cave of red they go.
Ever champing at the bit--
Can you say the name of it?
Try that one!
Gollum: Teeth, my precious. Teeth.
Bilbo: Fiddle, Diddle,
Hobbit, Roar.
Riddle, riddle,
Riddle me more!
Gollum: Here's a box without a key
Neither hinge nor hasp you see.
There's now bottom, sides or lid.
Keeps a golden treasure hid.
Bilbo: Hum... Eggs!
Once an eye upon a blue face.
Saw an eye upon a green face.
Each one stared at one another
Winking, blinking at each other.
Gollum: Sun on the daisies.
This thing all things devours,
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers,
Gnaws iron, bites steel,
Slays kings, ruins towns,
Beats high mountains down.
Song: Invisibility
Bilbo: Imagine that! I'm invisible.
Now you see me! Now you don't!
To this magic, I could cling
And take advantage of this ring,
And don't you think I won't!
Just think of how this ring is bound to
Build up my ability,
The deeds of derring-do I'll dare to do
With such facility.
I've brains but little brawn and
Absolutely no agility,
So what? I've got invisibility!
I'm free, it's so agreeable!
You can't catch me.
Cause I'm unseeable!
Now first I'll find the Goblins who've
Been acting with hostility
And rescue all my friends, I feel that's
My responsibility,
And when they say, “You're wonderful,”
I'll answer with humility,
I'm really not, so very hot,
It's just I've got
Invisibility!!
Song: Mirkwood
Gandalf: To the north are the gray mountains
Where hobgoblins have their flings.
Bilbo: (spoken) Oh!
Gandalf: On the crest the dreaded Orcs
Do simply dreadful things.
Bilbo:(spoken) No!
Gandalf: To the South the necromancer's
Fatal fire cast their glow
Bilbo: (spoken) Alack!
Gandalf: And if you can't go north or south
What other way to go?
Bilbo: (spoken) Go back!
Thorin: We vowed that we'd go forward
'Til the dragon is deceased.
Thorin and Dwarves: Lonely Mountain lies past Mirkwood
And we have to travel east!
Thru Mirk, Mirk, Mirk, Mirk, Mirkwood.
Where the creeper vines get off the trees and crawl
Then they wind around your feet
'Til they cover you complete
And your friends can't find you anywhere at all
In Mirk, Mirk, Mirk, Mirk, Mirkwood.
Where each apple is your last and life is harsh--
Though it's strange you'll find it's true
Quicksand steps all over you.
You can melt into a mallow in a marsh!
Careful in all you do,
Watch each serpent and snake,
Watch the eyes that watch you
Waiting for your one mistake
In Mirk, Mirk, Mirk, Mirk, Mirkwood.
In it's brackish brooks don't drink
Or take a bath,
Magic waters there run deep
And it makes you sleep and sleep.
If you hope to journey to some aftermath
In Mirkwood, never never leave the path!
There are spiders who weave cobwebs
That could snare rhinoceroses.
Bilbo: I don't like the kind of subject that old
Bombur here discusses.
Dwarves: You have to pass through Mirkwood.
There are mighty elves that scare themselves...
Their magic is so elfish.
Bilbo: To carry on this morbid talk is something
More than selfish.
Dwarves: You have to pass through Mirkwood.
Through the brambles and brier
Watch the path as it wends
Through the muck and the mire
Though it seems it never ends.
In Mirk, Mirk, Mirk, Mirk, Mirkwood.
Don't disturb the forest or you'll feel its wrath.
You'll need courage, you'll need pluck
And you'll need a lot of luck.
If you hope to journey to some aftermath
In Mirkwood, never, never leave the path.
Song: “Spinning and Weaving”
Spinning and weaving,
Weaving and spinning,
There is no end,
Just constant beginning.
Twist and entwine,
Tangle, attach.
You never know
What you may catch.
Weaving and spinning,
Spinning and weaving.
Once you are caught
There's no hope of leaving
Struggle and thrash,
Feel your strength ebb--
There's no escape
Out of the web.
Spider #1: The guy ropes too short.
Spider #2: Lengthen it!
Spider #3: It's too near the path already. If a strand touches the path, the whole web will shrivel!
Spider #4: Powerful spells protect the Path. Why did you build the web so near it? It's far too big for bats and birds and all our usual game.
Spider #5: Sometimes a white stag runs through the forest. He scorns Mirkwood and all of us who live here! I hate his pride!
Spider #6: You think this web will hold the white stag? (Tests it) But perhaps it would. It's strong enough to hold a man.
Spider #7: Men dare not enter Mirkwood.
Spider #8: But if one did?
Spider #9: He'd be safe on the path.
Spider #10: And if he left the path and touched the web?
Spider #1: The web would hold him while we wound him in a shroud.
Spider #2: Man to eat! Weave! Weave!
(they return to weaving there is a distant sound of hunting horns)
Spider #3: What was that?
Spider #4: Only the wood elves hunting.
All: Spinning and weaving,
Weaving and spinning,
Enter the fight
There's no chance of winning
Choose what you'll be,
Spider or fly?
Stray from the your path
Once and you'll die!
Sight the elves! (Spiders hurry out, the elves enter)
Song: Elven Song
Elven Queen:
When time began, the greenwood filled the land
Came Elf-folk fair, and settled there.
Now rocks and trees have voices of their own,
And with the wood, elves live as one.
Then evil came with poison breath,
And now our greenwood reeks of death.
Beyond our land, the Lonely Mountain looms,
Will Thirteen Dwarves lay in its tombs?
Will dragon Smaug arise and vengeance take?
Leave naught but
Group 1: Ashes,
Group 2: Ashes,
Group 3: Ashes,
Group 4: Ashes,
Elven Queen: Ashes, in his wake?
Song: Thirteen Might Dwarves
Thorin: Thirteen Mighty Dwarves
sing up my request.
Balin: Balin joins the song.
Thorin: But what about the rest.
Dwarves: What sings the hobbit?
Thorin: Invisibility.
Dwarves: I'll bet he's gone and making merry.
Bilbo: (glumly) No, I'm here. Hey, Derry, Derry.
Thorin: Thirteen Mighty dwarves,
Where do they now dwell?
Bilbo: Jailed in dungeons deep.
Thorin: Open up each cell!
Bilbo: (spoken) Open each cell! How can I?
Turnkey: (waking) What's that about opening cells?
Thorin: Not opening cells with a “c” selling sells with an “s”. We always sing of selling The beautiful crowns and necklaces we made of old.
Galion: More?
Thorin: (continuing song) And singing burglars
Tra la should get a key.
Bilbo: Have you some plan about the key? Sing!
Thorin: Burglarize it from the key ring!
Then you creep to dungeons creepy--
Bilbo: Wait the guards are getting sleepy,
Eyes are closing, speech is blurring.
Don't sing marches,
They're to stirring.
In a minute I can try it.
Dwarves: Thirteen Mighty dwarves..
Bilbo: Should lullaby it!
Song: Close Your Eyes
Bilbo and Dwarves:
Birdies sing lullabies
Sleepy head, close your eyes.
Comfy crib just your size,
Time for bed, close your eyes.
Tender dreams come yawning
As peaceful slumber nears.
So from now till morning
Better close your ears.
Comes the dawn you'll arise.
We'll be gone.
Close your eyes.
Song: Benevolent Burglary
We don't believe in thievery,
Dishonest what that is.
We do believe what's mine is mine,
And what is his is his.
But burglarizing something back
We think deserves applause
Cause you're not stealing anything
Reclaiming what is yours.
What could be more honest than a burglar,
Stealing back what someone stole from me?
For we believe in higher laws as long
As it's a worthy cause, benevolent burglary.
Who's a finer fellow than a foot pad is?
What better bet for boys than banditry?
For Mortal man what's greater love
Than keeping up the standards of
Benevolent, benevolent, benevolent burglary?
Song: Fare Thee Well
Fare Thee Well, my old friend, good fortune--
Fare thee well, find paths of peace.
May your road be a road of safety
And your days, May they increase.
Fare thee well, know that we will miss you
What a joy your friendships been.
May the hair on your toes grow longer
May your beard never grow thin.
Fare thee well, fare thee well, fare thee well.
